Not Quite A Baker’s Dozen, but Ten Things I Hate About Watching Pro Football

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10 – The pregame shows

Two hours of guys who’ve been hit in the head one too many times trying to sound intelligent makes you want to suffer a concussion.

9 – TV Timeouts

Really NFL, Really, would it kill you to keep the cameras rolling and not cut-away to a Viagra commercial after a change of possession, or after a kickoff? Also, can’t you just have one or two big time-outs just so I know I have enough time to make that second plate of nachos (yes, I’m a fatass) without having to miss a crucial play???

8 – The creepy, ultra zoomed-in shots of any semi-attractive woman in the crowd.

Look, I’m not a member of NOW or a lady, but even I find the camera dude’s leering a little troubling. I get it, she’s hot, now move the camera back to the field, Brent Musburger.

7 – Fox’s strong desire to continually shove its cultural ignorance about a home team’s city down my throat.

4163-5601Hey, look, I get that Seattle is by a body of water and therefore has fishing. And I also understand that if you come to Pike Place, you will likely be able to witness someone toss a fish to a customer, and that fish will likely be salmon, because PACIFIC NORTHWEST, and that Nirvana is also from Seattle and so is Pearl Jam. Hey, maybe next time you could venture out of your hotel rooms, take a right instead of a left, and stop by the Space Needle or any one of the cool museums this city has, one in fact that’s owned (or co-owned) by the Seahawks’ owner.

6 – The FOX robot and its graphics.

0820_Fox_Sports_630x420I swear, sooner or later the physical iteration of the robot will become self-aware and attack Tony Siragusa on the field while Siragusa is crushing his third plate of baby backs. It’s uncomfortable, FOX. Stop it.

5 – Tony Siragusa.

tonysiragusa1Seriously, I don’t know what he does anymore. He’s basically just a giant sideline decoration. They had a shot of him during one of the games yesterda, and I could’ve sworn he was replaced by a wax statue. Also, he had a really weird half-intelligent, half-smirking grin that clearly indicated he didn’t really know where he was at or what he was doing. Awwwkward.

4 – Shots of stadium/tail-gating food.

primanti-brothers-cappicola-sandwich-lgUsually, the food on TV is ten times better than the dry, overcooked piece of toast that is the plate of nachos I’m eating during a game, and that pisses me of. Usually it’s the worst when it’s a Kansas City game because, RIBS!!! Texas games are there as well, with their succulent, juicy delicious barbeque…mmmmm, barbeque. Stop it, FOX, CBS. You’re making your viewers sad and hungry. But we can’t afford nice food because we’re paying $200 a month for cable just so we can watch your stupid games and less-than-stupid RedZone. Still, stop making us sad.

3 – Guests in the broadcast booth.

Have none of you learned from the Eminem debacle (yes, we know this example is from a college game)? Do you really think we want our game experience “enhanced” by someone who’s only there to promote a new song, film, etc., and doesn’t contribute anything interesting/good to the broadcast? We don’t. Unless it’s Katy Perry, and she’s beer bonging and throwing herself into a crowd of party animals. To recap: Eminime, NO. Katy Perry, YES. Get on this, NFL.

2 – On-field microphones.

C34A92C8151125247196657594368_2.5.1.15248533824087948232.mp4Look, you’re a hundred gazzillion dollar industry, NFL, so how in the hell is it possible that you can’t give your referees working microphones??? Christian Amanpour had better mic game from a bunker in Baghdaad than your refs from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Pull it together people.

1 – Broadcasters.


Ah yes, you are exactly why we tune into the games. To listen to your expertise from having played years in the league. To listen to your funny anecdotes when the score is 48-0. To hear you….you know what, NO. Look NFL, I understand that half this country can barely read and tie its own shoes, but I bet the same people played a lot of football and probably don’t need to be treated like village idiots. “Well John, this game really depends on who has the ball last and who cob!mmits the fewest turnovers.” Well you don’t say, Jim Bob!!! Ya mean them here folks aint gonne try to win this here game simply by seeing who can hit the spitoon the most? Whaaaat??? Most of us who watch, know the rules and know what’s going on. I get it, you guys have to stick to the script or you’ll get a call from Heil Goodell, but treating your audience like they’re a bag of rotting wood chips isn’t the ideal way to stop me from violently pressing the mute button anytime Aikman or Joe Buck start talking about dat field action. There a lot of good, young broadcasters out there who could be doing a much better and more entertaining job in the booth. Give them a call. Thanks.

~ TheRealThirtyMinuteAbs ~


Categories: Baker's Dozen of Good Taste, Long Drive...For Three...Hail Mary...At the Buzzer

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