From time to time the Ministers of Good Taste will be issuing Baker’s Dozen Lists of Good or Bad Taste. We hope you take the time to review them, and then follow them as good taste would lead you to do. Here’s our list of worst actors!
These are the actors that didn’t break the Top-10 but rounded out our Baker’s Dozen of Worst Actors. We think if you take the time to look at their bodies of work you’ll see what we mean.
#10 – Ice Cube
Anaconda, Are We There Yet, xXx: State of the Union
Another rapper turned “actor” that has failed miserably in the transition; he was terrible in the 90s and hasn’t gotten any better. I still blame my sister for making me sit through the atrocity that was Are We There Yet, and have no idea what Vin Diesel was thinking when he walked away from the xXx series… not cool, Vinnie, not cool at all.
#9 – John Cusack
2012, 1408, The Raven
Cusack has a whopping 76 credits of steaming crap. His dry wit and monotone approach to all his roles is painful. The fact he got to play Edgar Allen Poe is a sick joke, and so was that film. But ya know the ladies seem to keep his career going even though we’re sure Must Love Dogs was not worth the ongoing monkey poo he slings at us.
#8 – Matt Dillon
You, Me, & Dupree, Factotum, Wild Things
I’m not sure what I’m more confused about, the fact he’s made 54 credits as an actor or that he got nominated for a best supporting Oscar? His heaping piles of crap movies are Redbox and 2am specials.
The only thing I can think of as to why he still gets these B part roles is his name is fairly close to Matt Damon, and some people confuse them (reaching I know).
#7 – Shia LaBeouf
Transformers (series), Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Disturbia
Maybe it’s his association with Michael Bay and the desecration of our childhood memories in the Transformers series, maybe it’s his spiral into some self-created personal hell in the public eye, or maybe it’s just him being a terrible actor. He does have moments/movies of brilliance: Lawless was alright, and he is going to be in Fury which looks epic… But not enough to erase the bad. And with his self-imposed retirement(?) recently, he may not have the chance to redeem himself.
#6 – Robert Pattinson
Twilight, Harry Potter, Water for Elephants
If you can play a sparkling vampire and make Kristen Stewart look passable all in one effort, you pretty much should find a new career. No redeeming skills to see here. He’s so bad it’s hard to rip him since he has no acting skill what so ever.
#5 – Nicholas Cage
Con Air, 8MM, National Treasure, Ghost Rider
This is one of those cases where Cage keeps getting cast in movies that should/could be awesome, and some of them actually succeed despite him: The Rock – but you’ve got Sean Connery to thank for this one being good still; Lord of War – no one actor saved this, but the story was just so sweet!; and Leaving Las Vegas… he actually won an award for this one – how, I’m still confused. If he’s going to get an award for that, I want an award for my “acting” any time I go to a college football game out-of-state. Anyways, outside of those he is just in terrible film after terrible film – some of those are excusable because at least their funny (see National Treasure, though again he had a lot of help from Justin Bartha and Diane Kruger), the rest are not. To anybody listening in Hollywood, you’ve tried this 77 times now according to IMDB – please stop the insanity!
#4 – Kristen Stewart
Twilight (series), Snow White and the Huntsman
I can’t believe I have to say anything more than “Twilight”. That should be more than enough, but it’s not. It took us a while, but during a viewing of Snow White and the Huntsman (my girlfriend dragged me, I swear) I think we managed to pinpoint Ms. Stewart’s one and only facial expression: it’s a mix of boredom and constipation, any variation in the level of one of those two states accounts for any noticeable changes in her facial expressions. Now, she’s still young so there’s time for her to grow up and out of this list – just nothing we’ve seen is very promising. And again… Twilight.
Blended, That’s My Boy, Jack & Jill
Rumor has it Sandler has said he purposely makes crap now a days just to see if people will go watch it, and they still do as he was voted Hollywood’s most over paid actor. Outside of a few early Sandler classics it’s been a brutal run, and his attempts at serious roll only add to the theory he’s trying to screw you out of hours of your life.
Runaway Bride, Autumn in New York, First Knight
This is what happens when a heart-throb gets type-casted and never develops. We are talking to you, future Ryan Gosling. No one’s gone to a Gere movie at a theater in ages and hopefully you never get stuck at home watching one of his crap fest love stories.
#1 – Keanu Reeves
The Matrix (series), The Devil’s Advocate, The Lakehouse, 47 Ronin, The Day The Earth Stood Still
“I know kung fu.” A line so terrible and so awfully delivered that Saturday Night Live had to poke fun at it. Enough said. Seriously. Despite the fact that his voice is almost as unvarying as Ben Stein and he has a singular facial expression, Keanu Reeves keeps getting roles. While he’s excelled in the ones where a blank slate and face play well – like The Matrix, any role that requires variation suffers when he’s cast. In fact, I take back the first part of that – in The Day The Earth Stood Still he has the perfect opportunity to play the role he’s actually good at; instead, I can’t believe any of us wasted time on that movie. He’s unconvincing, stale, and over-played: making him #1 on our list of terrible actors.
~ E.S. Norton & J.T. Riles ~
Categories: Baker's Dozen of Good Taste