You Suck! Seriously! Our Baker’s Dozen List of Worst Actors

From time to time the Ministers of Good Taste will be issuing Baker’s Dozen Lists of Good or Bad Taste.  We hope you take the time to review them, and then follow them as good taste would lead you to do.  Here’s our list of worst actors!


 

badactors

Honourable Mentions

These are the actors that didn’t break the Top-10 but rounded out our Baker’s Dozen of Worst Actors.  We think if you take the time to look at their bodies of work you’ll see what we mean.

  • Kevin James

  • Ethan Hawke

  • Hayden Christensen

#10 – Ice Cube

AnacondaAre We There Yet, xXx: State of the Union

Another rapper turned “actor” that has failed miserably in the transition; he was terrible in the 90s and hasn’t gotten any better.  I still blame my sister for making me sit through the atrocity that was Are We There Yet, and have no idea what Vin Diesel was thinking when he walked away from the xXx series… not cool, Vinnie, not cool at all.

#9 – John Cusack

2012, 1408, The Raven

Cusack has a whopping 76 credits of steaming crap.  His dry wit and monotone approach to all his roles is painful.  The fact he got to play Edgar Allen Poe is a sick joke, and so was that film. But ya know the ladies seem to keep his career going even though we’re sure Must Love Dogs was not worth the ongoing monkey poo he slings at us.

#8 – Matt Dillon

You, Me, & Dupree, Factotum, Wild Things

I’m not sure what I’m more confused about, the fact he’s made 54 credits as an actor or that he got nominated for a best supporting Oscar?  His heaping piles of crap movies are Redbox and 2am specials.

The only thing I can think of as to why he still gets these B part roles is his name is fairly close to Matt Damon, and some people confuse them (reaching I know).

#7 – Shia LaBeouf

Transformers (series), Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, Wall Street: Money Never SleepsDisturbia

Maybe it’s his association with Michael Bay and the desecration of our childhood memories in the Transformers series, maybe it’s his spiral into some self-created personal hell in the public eye, or maybe it’s just him being a terrible actor.  He does have moments/movies of brilliance: Lawless was alright, and he is going to be in Fury which looks epic…  But not enough to erase the bad.  And with his self-imposed retirement(?) recently, he may not have the chance to redeem himself.

#6 – Robert Pattinson

Twilight, Harry Potter, Water for Elephants

If you can play a sparkling vampire and make Kristen Stewart look passable all in one effort, you pretty much should find a new career. No redeeming skills to see here. He’s so bad it’s hard to rip him since he has no acting skill what so ever.

#5 – Nicholas Cage

Con Air8MMNational TreasureGhost Rider

This is one of those cases where Cage keeps getting cast in movies that should/could be awesome, and some of them actually succeed despite him: The Rock – but you’ve got Sean Connery to thank for this one being good still; Lord of War – no one actor saved this, but the story was just so sweet!; and Leaving Las Vegas…  he actually won an award for this one – how, I’m still confused.  If he’s going to get an award for that, I want an award for my “acting” any time I go to a college football game out-of-state.  Anyways, outside of those he is just in terrible film after terrible film – some of those are excusable because at least their funny (see National Treasure, though again he had a lot of help from Justin Bartha and Diane Kruger), the rest are not.  To anybody listening in Hollywood, you’ve tried this 77 times now according to IMDB – please stop the insanity!

#4 – Kristen Stewart

I really have to go... but I'm just so bored.

I really have to go… but I’m just so bored.

Twilight (series), Snow White and the Huntsman

I can’t believe I have to say anything more than “Twilight”.  That should be more than enough, but it’s not.  It took us a while, but during a viewing of Snow White and the Huntsman (my girlfriend dragged me, I swear) I think we managed to pinpoint Ms. Stewart’s one and only facial expression: it’s a mix of boredom and constipation, any variation in the level of one of those two states accounts for any noticeable changes in her facial expressions.  Now, she’s still young so there’s time for her to grow up and out of this list – just nothing we’ve seen is very promising.  And again…  Twilight.

450_adam-sandler-by-noel-vasquez-zohan-246289778#3 – Adam Sandler

Blended, That’s My Boy, Jack & Jill

Rumor has it Sandler has said he purposely makes crap now a days just to see if people will go watch it, and they still do as he was voted Hollywood’s most over paid actor. Outside of a few early Sandler classics it’s been a brutal run, and his attempts at serious roll only add to the theory he’s trying to screw you out of hours of your life.

movie-43-richard-gere-600x400#2 – Richard Gere

Runaway Bride, Autumn in New York, First Knight

This is what happens when a heart-throb gets type-casted and never develops. We are talking to you, future Ryan Gosling. No one’s gone to a Gere movie at a theater in ages and hopefully you never get stuck at home watching one of his crap fest love stories.

#1 – Keanu Reeves

"What truth?"

“What truth?”

The Matrix (series), The Devil’s AdvocateThe Lakehouse47 RoninThe Day The Earth Stood Still

“I know kung fu.”  A line so terrible and so awfully delivered that Saturday Night Live had to poke fun at it.  Enough said.  Seriously.  Despite the fact that his voice is almost as unvarying as Ben Stein and he has a singular facial expression, Keanu Reeves keeps getting roles.  While he’s excelled in the ones where a blank slate and face play well – like The Matrix, any role that requires variation suffers when he’s cast.  In fact, I take back the first part of that – in The Day The Earth Stood Still he has the perfect opportunity to play the role he’s actually good at; instead, I can’t believe any of us wasted time on that movie.  He’s unconvincing, stale, and over-played: making him #1 on our list of terrible actors.


~ E.S. Norton & J.T. Riles ~

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Categories: Baker's Dozen of Good Taste

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5 replies

  1. Epic list. Love it. Thank you for including Cusack, Dillion, Pattinson, and Ice Cube. The only exception on your list is Labeouf. Back in the day, he was ridiculously likable and genuinely talented. Watch Disturbia, then tell me he can’t act. Add to that his utter and complete insanity, and the fact that he can stand in front of the camera and act sane makes him a very talented actor.

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  2. Cage, Cusack, Dillon and Labouf don’t belong on this list. See prior comment for Lebouf. If anyone watched Entourage, Dillon’s character is the only one who could act in that group, and he has some gems out there. Cage is a unique actor who has screen cred galore, so not sure how he ended up here. Just watch Raising Arizona and tell me he cant act. He makes crap bc he has tax bills to pay. Cusack is in the same vein as Cage-awfully talented, but maybe not best at picking movies as of late. The rest deserve their spots.

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  3. Cage, Cusack, and LaBeouf? Cage and Cusack were together in “The Frozen Ground” just last year, and I really liked that…anyway, I’ll just mention “Idenity” and “High Fidelity” (Nominated for an Academy Award!) for Cusack and “Leaving Las Vegas” (DUDE! HE WON AN ACADEMY AWARD!) and “Matchstick Men” for Cage and then rest my case for those two. As for LaBeouf, I agree with HKP. He really earned his cocaine money in “Disturbia.”

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  4. To be fair, we knew there would be people who would disagree with a few of the people on the list: specifically Cage and Cusak. But we couldn’t be true to ourselves and leave them off – we really just don’t like their bodies of work and/or ability to act. For Cage, we even noted his award – and then asked for one ourselves because we can be drunk too (really. we can! 🙂 ). For LaBeouf – we’d love him to redeem himself, but his bad acting in bad movies (and terrible role in the Transformers fiascos) outweighs his one or two good ones (his retirement can’t be real, can it?).

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