The Long Drive: A Fantasy Football… Preview? (For Commissioners At Least.)


“You shut your MOUTH! Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! F***! F***, f***, f***! Bullsh**! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! “Oh, help me out. Do this. Move that guy around. I don’t know how to set a lineup.” F*** you! F*** you, Taco! F*** you, Ruxin!”
~ Kevin, The League ~

I was tasked with providing our readers a little Fantasy Football insight (ed. note: blaming the editor for this stuff isn’t gonna make your life easier… just saying’.).  As I thought about the upcoming season, impact rookies, vets on the decline, and the Giants terrible offense it dawned on me….. Who really wants rankings and predictions from someone who literally finishes in second place every year?  My team nickname is “the bridesmaids”….sadly, never the winner.  I am the Jim Kelly of fantasy leagues (ed. note: which may or may not be worse than being a leagues’ Ruxin… again, I’m just sayin’.).

So what do I have for you instead you may ask?  How about a few crowd control tips from a commissioner’s perspective?  For those who run any kind of fantasy league – from baseball, to football, to even an occasional celebrity death pool (ask me about those details!) – this time of year can be a nightmare; you sacrifice your team’s preparation for what amounts to adult babysitting.  You always have those guys who can’t read the rules let alone follow them, and then even though you take hours out of your time to do everyone a solid, some guy complains he doesn’t have 10 minutes to properly run his team.

Did you know you signed up to be a debt collector?  Do your friends ignore your calls because they know you’re looking for that $40 spot?  I swear one of these years I will hire a collection agency to do my dirty work.

Anyways, enough ranting and on to some tips:

  • Get a Co-Comish, help is a beautiful thing.  One of you takes the money-collecting and stalking that goes with it,  the other runs the show.  This has saved my bacon on multiple occasions (ed. note: thanks a lot, bud… I enjoy chasing the money… Really.).
  • Drink heavily the day before the draft.  If you’re in a league that has drinking rules like mine (first kicker gets a shot, calling out an owned player gets a shot, + many more violations), it’s better to be hung over then having to hand over your GM duties in the sixth round after mixing up a few details and burying half a bottle of JD (ed. note: this is a true fact, but we’ve all been there – at least we always make it past Round 3?).
  • Drafts are meant to be fun!  Get a pretty lady to run your board, she only has to be able to read names and look stunning.
  • Don’t use those awful big corporation websites.  They have limited options and charge you your first born’s college education, try or shop around instead.
  • Lastly whether you finish in 1st or last embrace what you are.  Get that league tattoo or proudly wear that toilet seat.  It was a fun ride, maybe next year you’ll be a bride instead of a bridesmaid.

~ E.S. Norton ~


Categories: Long Drive...For Three...Hail Mary...At the Buzzer

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