Our Declaration of Independence from Bad Taste

238 year ago, a group of 56 men gathered in a small room in Philadelphia and set the course for a new nation – one founded on the idea that all men are created equal and are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights; they staked their lives, fortunes and sacred honor – the bar for Good Taste was set.

That moment, combined with the last few thousand years of civilization, taught us a thing or two about the basics of life, liberty and the pursuit of awesomeness: like what foods are poisonous, how to make a decent burger, how to put together winning sports franchises, the benefits of combining things like bikinis and trampolines, etc. Oddly, some people completely missed the boat. Therefore, we have assembled individuals with exceptional taste to formulate a way to combat the insidious spread of Bad Taste. Our combined resources resulted in the formation of the Ministry of Good Taste. And We, The Founders of the Ministry of Good Taste, on this day, in memory of those men with a dream, a plan, and the intestinal fortitude to carry things out, present to you Our Declaration of Independence from Bad Taste:

When in the course of Human events it becomes necessary for a group of people (notably – us, in case you’re not paying attention) to dissolve the social bonds that have connected them with everyone else (i.e. the “others”), and to assume among the powers of the Earth the separate and greater station to which the Laws of Good Taste and Good Taste’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of the otherwise misinformed requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that while all people are created equal, they are not all endowed by their Creator with the good sense that one would think necessary to survive the ridicules of adolescence. That to secure the quality provided by Good Taste, individuals with exceptional taste are placed among us to provide guidance. That whenever Bad Taste becomes overwhelmingly corruptive in the world, it is the Right of those with exceptional taste to step forward and inform the world of its folly, and to institute an organization for the dissemination of the Knowledge of Good and Bad Taste, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the spread of Good Taste. Prudence, indeed, dictates that people long ensconced in the ways of Bad Taste should be forced to see the error of their ways, and that while this undertaking shall not be met lightly or transiently, it must be done because of the long train of abuses that people have inflicted upon themselves, their progeny and the world around them. Such a train of abuses does exist in the world today, and the patient sufferance of those with exceptional taste while Bad Taste seeks to overwhelm and drive out Good Taste shows that a tyranny of the worst kind is in the making (yes, Mr. Beiber we are calling you a tyrant). To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the candid world.

The continued practice of people who are not in shape to think themselves able to squeeze into clothing five sizes too small, or able to wear Spandex, lycra and other tight, stretchy materials that accentuate their rolls of fat.

The preponderance of young males to dress and act like they are classless hoodlums while destroying the English language, wearing caps with bills that aren’t bent and still have stickers, allowing the world to see their boxer shorts because of their intense hatred of belts, spending hundreds of dollars on tribal tattoos while still living at home rent free with mom or grandma, and otherwise showing to the world that they are not capable of making decisions in accordance with the rules of Good Taste.

The intense pervasion of political correctness in today’s world, metastasizing itself into our places of work, education, and homes.

The media’s continued glorification of individuals whose only claim to fame is childish or anti-social behavior.

The insistence that people be beholden to terrible shows that mirror “reality” while removing true forms of entertainment and stimulation from the airwaves.

The continued existence of people that have not yet figured out how to merge, let alone read a darn street sign. PS – get off your phone, no one cares about your fake tan or what you had for dinner.

The fact there are continued protests of fallen soldiers by people too stupid to figure out that funerals for those who have given their lives in service to America are dignified, honorable family affairs that should be respected and not disrupted because you have a bone to pick with politicians.

The continued need for sports teams to give overly large contracts to mediocre players just to keep up with a few teams in any given league.

The fact that Michael Bay continues to destroy memories with surprising alacrity, and that he did not bring Megan Fox back for Transformers 3 because she was “too skinny” and stupid – she was in the first two and is hot, who cares about the other things.

And many, many more.

At every stage, those few with Good Taste have made their petitions for redress known in the most humble terms. Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A people, whose character is thus marked by every act which would define Bad Taste, is unfit to be without guidance.

We, therefore, the assembled representatives of Good Taste in general conscience assembled do, in the Name, and by authority of those people with exceptional taste, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do declare that this Ministry of Good Taste is, and of Right, ought to be the Sole Arbiters of Good Taste, that they are absolved of all ties to the rest of the world, and that all connection between them and those of questionable or bad taste is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a free Organization we have the Right and Authority to declare things either in Good or Bad Taste; and to involve ourselves in such actions as are seen fit in the pursuit to drive Bad Taste from this land – whether it be suggestion, mockery, derision, boycotting, providing a swift kick in the arse, etc. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection, guidance and blessings of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge our Lives, a little of our Fortunes, and our Sacred Honor.”

We welcome you to our site, please by patient while we work to make this the best experience in good taste possible!


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